We Women of a Certain Age

By: JANA GREENE

Ladies over 50, since time immemorial, we have been told that our attractiveneess and worth have expiration dates.

Be thin, but not TOO thin. When you lose too much weight, the fat can’t fill out your wrinkles.

But don’t gain weight either, even though metabolism will fight you every step of the way.

Have invisible pores – nobody wants to see your actual human skin.

Thin lips? Ew. You need filler. If you don’t look like a whole-ass bee stung you square in the mouth, you’re doing it wrong.

Paint the barn door, for crying out loud. You need makeup.

Women aren’t supposed to be hairy. Are you trying to look like a caveman?

Natural eyebrows? Where are your forehead caterpillars? They are all the rage now.

Your eyelashes are too sparse. If you aren’t gluing them on, what are you even doing?

Yoga pants are a privilege, not a right. (Ugh.)

The wrinkles you got for laughing? You probably shouldn’t have found so much joy in life.

Speckled chest from sun damage? You should have worn more sunscreen religiously, lady.

Fat upper arms? They keep waving when you have stopped.

Stretch marks? *GASP*

Cellulite? There’s a $1000 cream for that.

Smile lines? That’s what you get for having the audacity to be happy for 50 years.

Face showing “character?” That only applies to men, silly.

We have “fupas” now, so you better get a tummy tuck. Never mind that your body grew and housed and birthed entire human beings.

And natural boobs? Ghastly. way past their prime. Again, never mind that they fed your babies for 4 1/2 years of your life, for their intended purpose. Stuff those puppies in a push-up bra.

Touch up those grays. Your roots are showing. And while we are on “hair,” older women should never grow their hair long.

Hey, what’s with the turkey neck? Good GOD, that’s unattractive! Lift that jawline.

Get your saggy butt lifted. You’ll never be a Kardashian at this rate.

Don’t wear anything sexy. People will tsk-tsk at you and say you’re not acting “your age.”

Bleach / wax / lift/fix / fill / Botox / work out. Be “more” and try harder.

Otherwise, you might as well be an old lady that nobody sees.

Ah, but I see you.

You are beautiful in your aged-ness.

You’re not “old” like the world wants you to think you are.

You are not old like Tweety Bird’s frail grandmother, tottering around in small, arthritic steps, made grouchy by that damn cat and life in general. (Although, is it any wonder we’re grouchy?)

No.

You are “old” like “The Oracle” in The Matrix.

Soft.

Strong.

Wise.

Regal.

And like her character in the Matrix, you represent the prophesies and victories – not over machines – but over the expectations of a shallow world.

You provide assistance to the freed, when you can free your mind.

And by being free to be yourself, you will be the pied piper of the Sisterhood.

And when the world insists or insinuates you have somehow lost value?

Screw ‘em.

Be glorious, ladies of “a certain age.” Do not go quietly into the most liberating era of your life. Do not let them tell you that your value hasn’t appreciated. Because OH, how it has!

You are beautiful.

We are beautiful.

Blessed May we be.