BY: JANA GREENE
I ate a whole bag of candy last night.
It tasted like loving myself. At the time, at least.
This might not be a big deal, but you see, my diabetes is severe and my kidneys are slowly failing.
Why did I do it? That’s a good question.
I ate the first one because my sugar was tanked after neglecting to fuel my body consistently the right way throughout the day.
They were sour coated gummy worms, and I guess that’s why I ate the next one.
And then I had a visit from an old friend called “WTF” (those are it’s initials…I don’t like to use it’s whole name in polite company.)
A brilliant conversationalist, WTF has a lot to say.
WTF says what difference does it make?
WTF makes sense. I’m making all these lifestyle changes to little avail. Even when I eat perfectly, my kidneys are still tanking.
This things gonna get you anyway, it says.
So WTF. Eat the rest of the bag. Go out in a blaze of Trolli limited-time-novelty-candy glory.
WTF reminds me that I FELL BETTER in my soul with sugar on my tongue. So I keep putting more candy on my tongue, because cause and affect are a real thing.
As it melts in my mouth salaciously, I love myself a little. And hate myself a little, too.
So in other words… it hits me RIGHT in the childhood.
WTF is very persuasive. The more I guiltily stuff worms in my face, the more I feel I deserve to eat worms. “You lazy jerk,” WTF whispers. “See? You can’t control yourself. Guess you may as well eat the whole bag.”
But ironically, as long as I am eating the candy, I can hush the scolding for the time being. It’s a bit of an “I’ll show you” display of mid-grade rebellion. With every candy, I am sticking to The Man (except if I’m honest with myself, at this stage, The Man is really only me)
I am in a frenzy of sour-coated, sweet and tangy bliss. My inner child has a full belly and a blue tongue.
And I crumple the empty bag and stick it in the trash, under some other trash. Which is what I feel like now…trash.
This is hard.
And it’s extra hard because WTF and I go way back. We have a history.
I remember it best from my drinking days. And that’s why we broke up on January 3, 2001. I wasn’t expecting the shady bastard to show up on my doorstep again.
WTF. It likes to tell me things like “Everybody drinks wine.”
WTF. “You drank last night and it made you feel while and complete. Drink again.”
WTF. “It doesn’t matter anyway. You’ll never get it right.”
WTF is kind of a live-in-the-moment guy, which is what makes it dangerous. Impulsive, it encourages me to be impulsive – something I have a penchant for anyway.
WTF says, “If it makes your soul feel satiated, why not do it? Don’t think of tomorrow, or next week, or even when the sugar crash will start.”
WTF says that now is the time. Now is always the time.
Even though last night’s bender was just in candy, it was still a Bender. It’s poison to my body in my condition, just as alcohol became poison to me, mind, body, and soul.
I am not a healthy girl. I can not afford to take poison.
So I am writing this at 4 o’clock in the morning, feeling sick and befuddled, knowing I’m going to feel worse tomorrow.
And I’ll have the added weight of knowing I chose – in however small a way – self sabotage over self-care.
WTF comes under the guise of a nanny of sorts. It encourages me to take care of my inner child by giving her what she THINKS she wants…not what she needs.
All I can do is tell WTF to eff off, take Little Me under my own wings, and care for her the right way.
And write about it. Because it’s the only way I know to purge these feelings. And maybe make someone else feel less alone.
I will choose self care for the rest of today. Join me?