By: Jana Greene
Greetings to the 1,950 people STILL with me here at the BB, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate and love my dear readers. ❤ I guess I should start this post with a disclaimer:
Warning – this is not a happy, shiny, churchy article.
It does not “glorify the lord,” necessarily. (Although I’m of the mind that God will be glorified in EVERYTHING in it’s time…)
Also – and let’s just get this out of the way – I have salty language. I’d like to say I’m working on it, but I’m trying to be transparent, and it’s actually the least of my damn worries.
Please don’t tell me how I’m already healed by the stripes of Jesus.
Please don’t insist I pull myself up by the bootstraps.
Please don’t tell me I am…
(1) under demonic oppression (been there, got that T-shirt…),
(2) not trusting God (because when someone is hurting, making them question their faith is always helpful,) Or…
(3) need to try an essential oil / nutritional shake (although it tickles me that the same issue can be considered “treated” by demon expulsion OR Plexus! Whichever!) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I believe the last time I posted, I resolved to write a post every single day for a while, which was vintage me – setting up expectations I will never fulfill. I’m wicked good at writing emotional checks that my mind can’t cash.
Today I decided to write because I find myself in more solidarity with my depression than with my fellow sisters who are also fighting the good fight. I’m not sure what anxiety and depression feel like to you, but here’s my breakdown:
A sense of DOOM. Doom. Doom, dooooooom.
It also feels like:
Nothing is going to work out.
I’ll always be in physical pain.
I’ll probably always struggle.
But sometimes, you just have to get sassy back.
Sometimes, you just need to call a bitch out, and this bitch is DEPRESSION.
It has taken literal YEARS to receive the correct diagnoses-es, fight with God about the ensuing bitterness, and come to an acceptance.
Usually, I am pretty freaking accepting and have figured out a million work-arounds to deal with life.
“Doom mind” isn’t the most most Christian-ese terminology. Even admitting that I still struggle with it still feels janky, because being vulnerable is hard. Aren’t we supposed to play OPTIMISTIC, HEALTHY, and LIGHT-HEARTED?
The thing is, I’m not sure Christians are doing the hurting world any favors by wearing these stupid masks. I don’t think Jesus judges depressed people for being depressed. It doesn’t licit his anger, but his compassion. That much I DO know.
I am a pretty happy person, generally. I LOVE life.
I absolutely LOVE to laugh. I’m creative. I love hard. I don’t want to be sad.
Usually, it’s just easier for everyone for me to fake being okay.
Dry that tear.
Minimize that limp.
Ignore the anxiety attack.
Get out of those pajamas.
Apologize for being depressed – I have so much to be grateful for!
But some days, I can’t muster putting on a happy face.
Life is different now. Not always “bad,” but always “different.”
Mobility aids are not sexy. Prescriptions are not cheap. And you can only watch so many episodes of 90 Day Fiance without losing your ever-loving mind.
I’m hurting too bad to walk, just less climb mountains. My creativity feels shriveled up like it will NEVER return. I watch a thousand funny cat videos, but can’t rally with laughter.
It comes. It goes.
I’m doing my best.
And I’m supposed to do it without picking up a drink!
I don’t know how my friends remain supportive, and I appreciate them so much. But I also lay low sometimes especially with the good friends. Because who the hell wants to be bummed out?
I certainly don’t understand how my husband stays supportive. This is not what he signed up for (although to be fair, this is not what I signed up for either.)
Even for those of us blessed enough to be surrounded by love, it’s lonely. I cannot call my husband at work and worry him when he is already supporting his family by working hard every day. I wouldn’t want to. He has enough on him already!
I cannot call my daughters and whine every time I’m anxious or hurting, even though they are wonderfully supportive grown-ups. They have lives, and I want them to live their BEST possible ones.
So today, I’m writing as a little “reach out” measure in the blogosphere. Where my “spoonie” sisters at?
We just need eachother.
Something not a lot of people know about it a phenomenon that sick people – believers or not – don’t want or intend to check out.
We need to be able to say that we’re not okay without people assuming we are suicidal. I know people would rather be safe than sorry, but despondency comes in many flavors, and not all are true red flags. Some are just white flags of surrender.
I’m not a danger.
I don’t need triage care.
I just need care.
I just need to know somebody else understands this lonely struggle with chronic pain and the havoc it wreaks on us via depression. Unless you are going through it, it’s hard to grasp, I’d imagine. I used to find this kind of thing impossible to understand myself.
A lack of serotonin and constant, unrelenting physical pain is a special kind of hell. I know Jesus walks through it with me; I totally feel his presence. I know I’m not completely alone. But damn if it can’t still feel lonely.
I’m writing today NOT because I have any answers, but because I feel alone and wonder if other chronically ill people feel me.
Do you understand?
If you do, I’m so sorry.
But how do you pull yourself up?
Let’s figure out this thing together and help one another.
When I have a painful day, and I say I’m DONE, the done-ness I’m talking about is hard to explain. It’s like when your toddler is at the grocery store and suddenly, inexplicably dissolves into a screaming, snot-faced, NO monster on Aisle 11, and cannot be reasoned with. He is DONE (temporarily.)
But I will. And I will smile / laugh / create another day.
So will you. ❤