By: Jana Greene
Hi, Dear Readers.
Can I keep it real today?
I was going to title this piece, “When it’s too much,” but then I asked myself to be more specific….WHAT is “too much?” What exactly is it that is TOO MUCH for me to handle right now? The answer is simply YES.
I’m feeling so defeated and sad today. I was doing pretty well with water aerobics, which I’ve been enjoying since February – it’s the only exercise my joints can handle. A week ago in class, I tore a muscle in my right hip doing underwater side kicks.
By the way, not one single 80 + year old woman in the whole class had trouble with that maneuver. Yet such a simple movement took me down. I’m looking at yet MORE physical therapy now and I can’t do the class for the foreseeable future.
This injury is the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back, er….hip.
I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, along with a half dozen other debilitating, exhausting, painful conditions. And it’s driving my depression into this hurricane-force thing that is spiraling in my spirit. The outer bands are making landfall today, and I can feel the intensity whipping up.
EDS is a progressive thing, meaning all of the cells in my body have mutated collagen, and I’m not going to get better.I do not – can not – take narcotics for my chronic pain because I’m an alcoholic in recovery 18 years and I still don’t trust myself to go that route.
I am literally wearing out. It’s getting to where I can hardly move my body some days, and when I do, each movement sounds like a bone cracking. In addition to being annoying, it’s painful. And embarrasing.
It’s TOO MUCH.
Yes, I know by the Stripes of Jesus, I am healed. I have had every deliverance ministry method prayed over me. People have told me that if I ‘just believe more’, I’d be healed.
To which I say, STOP TELLING SICK PEOPLE THESE THINGS. When they don’t get healed Binny Hinn-style, it adds insult to injury. Not only are you in sick and experiencing chronic pain, but NOW you doubt your faith and feel inferior and less-than a “good Christian.”
My genes are still mutated. God knows about it. He and I are square, after many years of me being bitter and angry. He knew my joints would held together with bubble gum instead of gorilla glue, so to speak. He isn’t angry with me. He isn’t punishing me. It just falls under the header of “shit happens,” and it happens to everyone in one capacity or another.
Better to just encourage and love on the chronically ill. That’s what we need.
Because I have anxiety and depression under normal circumstances, but there have been several times in my life when I couldn’t push through it…when I went from being sad and low-grade anxious, to I CANNOT GET OUT OF BED.
Not “I really FEEL like staying in bed” … no. I literally – as the Millennials say – I CAN NOT EVEN.
Can not even laugh.
Can not even cry.
Can not even do the things I love – like create art, and even just BLOG.
But I know if I don’t get it out in writing and share it with others who might be able to relate, it will only gather strength. So here is a blog post. The one thing I have gotten done today.
I’m tired. I am so tired. There are too many things going on in my home life and (lack of) professional life. Too much change. Too much pain. Just too much.
Most days, I try to be positive, and some days I can even find the humor in things, but when every joint in my body is hurting – and the hip is almost unbearable – it makes it difficult. This is approximately the tenth injury in the last few months. From small rib subluxations to finger dislocations, a sprained wrist, to all the crappy, debilitating POTs symptoms, and constant illness from having a horrible immune system….
I’m TOAST. Ever feel that way?
I know Jesus walks with me. I know he crouches down with me in the dark places. And yes, I know “this too will pass.” But it’s sure as hell not yet in the process of passing right now.
It’s the most frustrating thing in the world to realize all of your blessings, but still not be able to pull yourself up out of the sadness.
Hey, thanks for reading my work, ya’ll. In joviality and in sorrow. In celebration and in grieving. Knowing I have so many precious readers who take the time to read my innermost thoughts is both mind-blowing and comforting. We are never, NEVER alone in what we go through!
I hope when this blows over, I can get back to business being snarky and ultra-spiritual (that’s a joke, ha.) But I’m of the mind that when we are in low places, it doesn’t mean we are less-than spiritual. It just means our spirits need a little more help.
God bless us, every one.
14 thoughts on “When Depression Makes Landfall”
I’m so sorry for your pain. 😞
Thank you so much. I wish I could just snap out of it, you know? 💕
Oh Jana, I really feel for you. You have had to tolerate too much for too long. I understand the effect physical pain has on the health of your mind and I empathise with you, but I can only offer sympathy to you regarding your ongoing health problems.
I tend to think that no matter how bad I think someone’s health problem is, it usually worse than I can imagine, because it is not me that is feeling it.
There was a line in Orange Is the New Black that resonated with me “No one escapes this life without experiencing pain or injustice.” It just seems like it is always the nice people that seem to suffer the most.
I hope you get some alleviation from your pain and your depression doesn’t get any deeper. Also, I hope you continue to write on your blog. When I first got involved with blogging, there were four bloggers who were recovering from alcoholism, who created a lasting impression on me. Out of those four, you are the only one currently blogging.
So when everything gets too much for you, think about all the people that you have impressed with your writing and never forget how special you are.
Jana, I don’t know how much if any, of my Story of Healing you have read. I have written so far of the victories, the years of almost miracle-like healings God did for me. I am now at the point of having to confess to my experience on the potter’s wheel. How did I behave when God said, “No?” I’m in the process but it is hard to write. Your post here reminds me that I am to get with it and share that part of my story. Perhaps it will be helpful to you. I care about your pain. If my selfish, somewhat hardened heart cares, you can bet that God does. This issue is much too big for my understanding, but I care as do many of your readers. As you pour out some of the “too much” perhaps it will bring some relief.
This is so perfect!
“Better to just encourage and love on the chronically ill. That’s what we need.”
And all that needs to be said.
Your writing speaks to me and many others. It is enough.
Rest and take the time you need.
I’m sorry that you are walking this extremely hard road.
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Thank you so much, Jan. God bless you, my friend. ❤️
Thank you, sweet Oneta. I would be honored to read your story! ❤️
Ok, Ronnie, you made me cry. But in a good way. I can not thank you enough for your faithful readership over the years, my friend. I blessed beyond measure with readers like you. and yep, ALL God’s children got suffering to deal with! I am only grateful that I have still not picked up a drink. Now, that’s a miracle right there! God bless you!
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I’m counting on you to continue in service to others. As the former executive director of a recovery support center, I know it’s you and people like you who give hope and promise to others. I implore you, keep writing. Have you seen Rachel Marie Lee’s work (www.rachelmarielee.com)? Find “God’s Purpose in Brokenness”…She says: So often, when we are forced to endure hardship, we have a tendency to make our brokenness all about us. Why me, God? Why did you let this happen? Where were you? Why didn’t you save me? What did I do to deserve this? But maybe, just maybe, these are the wrong type of questions. What if instead of asking the question, “why me?” we ought to be asking “who for”? #BrokenAndGiven #NotAboutMe.
Hi, Jana. ❤ I "liked" your post not because I like what you are experiencing–NO, NOT AT ALL! But I like that you reached out when most of us who experience even a fraction of what you are usually withdraw. Courage, dear one. ❤ I do not subscribe to Benny Hinn's (or those like his) deviations from the truth. But here are a couple of verses which I hope will encourage and comfort you in this season of waiting on the Lord: Isaiah 46.4; Psalm 27.14. Praying you will consider these ointment instead of salt on your wounds. One recent passage touched me and makes me rejoice when "I CAN NOT EVEN" do anything to glorify God in my days: "Whoever offers praise glorifies Me…" (Psalm 50.23). Praying for you…
Well now, that made me eyes leak a little. 💕 Thank you so much. Thanks for reading my blog, and for the prayers, too! We truly all need each other. Have a beautiful day, my friend!
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True story, friend. I believe that at least half of what we go through isn’t about us at all, but rather so that we to pay our experience forward to ultimately encourage others. Thank you for this gentle reminder!
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Your life is a ministry. Keep sharing. Thanks for the vulnerability. You are courageous.
Thank you so much for reading my work! God bless you, friend.