By: JANA GREENE

SERVER: “Welcome to the Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Cafe. My name is Susan and I’ll be taking care of you today. Have you been here before?”

ME: “Hi, Susan. Yes. I come here every single day. I’ll have the Low-Pain Day, with and some type of actual Energy as my side. Please leave off the Crushing Exhaustion and add a side of Gratitude.”

SERVER: “Well, that’s great you want to try the Gratitude! It’s my personal favorite. Hold up;.let me check with the kitchen. * Checks with kitchen. * “Sorry, we sold out of that a while back.”

ME: “Fine. Let’s see…I’ll take some Good Rest as an appetizer…”

SERVER: “We’re out…supply chain demands and whatnot.”

ME: “Right. Supply chain issues.”

SERVER: Let me tell you about our specials! We have plenty of Fresh Pain – just got it in! It comes topped with some Sauce of Fustration, over a bed of WTF NOT THIS AGAIN.”

ME: “Um, no thank you?”

SERVER: “Our Shoulder Sh*t Show entree is really a main event. It includes an ingredient so spicy, you’ll want to pull your arms completely out of the sockets and jump into an active volcano. Holy rotator cuff, Batman!”

ME: “Um, I kind of already do want to jump into an active volcano,…”

SERVER: “Or if you’d like the milder dish, order the T-Rex Special will make you function all day long with tiny little T-Rex arms because your elbows and wrists are hyperextending. Oh, and it’s served with a nice Thumb Dislocation Reduction.”

ME: “This restaurant sucks.”

SERVER: “We also have nice Gravel Knee Supreme as well, a slightly piquant exquisite pain with every step you take, and a knee joint that bends so far backward, you’ll look like the Rubber Band Man, and sounds like 1000 Hummers driving down a gravel road.”

ME: “Hard pass.”

SERVER: “Our last special is a SAMPLER! Shoulder, Knee, AND Hip Subluxations, so that whether you’re standing or sitting (or walking or laying down,) there is 100% guarantee, it ‘gon HURT like a MoFo.”.

ME: “Lick Rust.”

SERVER: “WHOA! No need to get snappy.”

ME: “Listen… all I really want to do is have a good day. I guess I’ll just take an order of Wasting the Whole Day in Bed Like the Granddad in Willie Wonka.”

SERVER: “Do you want guilt sprinkles?”

ME: “What??”

SERVER: “Do you want to feel guilty for not getting out of bed all day?”

ME: “No, not particularly.”

SERVER: “Guilt sprinkles it is! You also get two sides.”

ME: “Okay well then, for my first side, NO Barfing today. And don’t bring out the Slipped Ribs from throwing up. I don’t even want them on a separate plate. I’ve had it every day this week.”

SERVER: “We are outta ‘Not Barfing. Maybe tomorrow.”

ME: “Can I just order a Decent ATTITUDE, then?”

SERVER: “We don’t serve that here. You have to bring your own.…the attitude.”

ME: “Eat glass.”

SERVER: “just for being so sassy, how ‘bout a Blinding Migraine? It’s a 2-fer on sale this week.”

ME: “Kindly bugger off.”

SERVER: “We have a nice Vintage Dizzy Spell? You usually have at least one every day, and you can get it to go.”

ME: “Get bent. Can I cancel my order altogether?”

SERVER: “Oof I’m sorry, it’s already been put in at the kitchen.”

ME: “When did that happen? I just got here!”

SERVER: “Looks like … let me see….January 24, 1969.”

ME: “Doesn’t sound like you use very fresh ingredients…”

SERVER: “Yeah, we only use the stalest ingredients for maximum creakiness, immune function overreaction, and gourmet pain. We have the largest variety of pain sensations in all the world!”

ME: “How proud you must be.”

SERVER: “Will we be chasing our sorrows, er…um, I mean MEAL with a beverage today? Perhaps a margarita?”

ME: * blinks incredulously * “I’m an alcoholic in recovery, so no thanks.”

SERVER: “Wow, that’s unfortunate. A nice Chardonnay would probably ease the pain,”

ME: “Get thee behind me Satan”

SERVER: “It’s SUSAN.”

Me: “Whatever. Just bring me some medical cannabis and a Topo Chico, please.”

SERVER: “How about a nice anxiety spiral for dessert?’

ME: &%$#@! off. &%$#@! ALL the way off, ENTIRELY.