By: Jana Greene
It’s not often that I write a blog post based on inspiration from another post, but I got so excited about this one, I had to share. I laughed, I cried…..you get the picture. Consider it Blog Inception, if you will.
Here is the link to the Chicago Tribune story: Raising a Daughter? Handle with care, especially when she is 14.
You see, the article hit a nerve with me. As the mother of two now-grown daughters and one grown bonus daughter, I can relate. My husband and I blended our family when our oldest girls were 14, and my youngest was 11. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?
So much could go wrong, and a lot of it did.
I chose the picture at right of my Firstborn for this post because it was a goof-ball, on-the-fly, authentic moment between my 23 year-old daughter and I. It captures us.
Well, it captures us NOW. A few years ago, she and I were in a completely different space. It took a lot of fighting, ‘tough love’ on my part, and major frustration for both of us. It took time, prayer and patience to get to The Good Place.
There’s no manual on raising children, and certainly no map that leads you to The Good Place.
Look at your baby daughter’s tiny face (isn’t it THE most beautiful face in the world!?) and repeat after me:
“My child is not an extension of me. My child is not an extension of me.”
Now, keep repeating it for the rest of your natural-born life, and try to accept it. She will inherit many of your mannerisms and outlooks, but she will also shape-shift the ever-loving shit out of your preconceived notions for her life.
Like, you have no idea. Your preconceived notions you have about who she will grow up to be? They are just that – notions.
I know, I know. You cannot imagine those cute little pouty lips spewing forth “I HATE YOU!” but it’s almost a certainty that they will. If you have one teen daughter, buckle up for a wild ride. If you have two, buckle and strap yourself in. If you have three teen daughters, you may want to consider just super-gluing yourself to the seat. Any more than three at a time? Girl, I got nothing….yeah.
As your sweet baby grows:
You will wonder where you went wrong a million times. You will want to pat yourself on the back a million times, too.
You will wonder why it’s embarrassing to her that you breathe so loud in front of her friends. You find yourself saying, “I’ll try to breathe quieter,” only to be met with eye-rolling.
You will be certain that aliens abducted your sweet lovely little girl and replaced her with a clone with a nasty attitude.
You will blame yourself when she makes bad choices, and your heart will bleed each time she suffers consequences.
Missing your little girl, you will be tempted to despair.
But I’m here (as the mother of three adult daughters) to tell you STOP IT. Do not despair!
Fourteen is the brutal pinnacle of challenge for both parent and child (it HAS to be or you would never want her to become independent. The teen years prepare you to let them go. OH HOW THEY PREPARE YOU!)
These daughters of ours? THEY COME BACK AROUND, emotionally. They try and they test, and deduce and rebel, but they come back to you and a whole other relationship blossoms in The Good Place.
It’s all part of her figuring out who she is.
She got some attributes from her father, and some from you.
But she is 100% her own girl.
She will not be your mini-me. She will be her own maxi-she.
All of my daughters are out of the nest now, and it’s strange and wonderful that they are making it on their own, in their own ways. They are my favorite people to spend time with, honestly. We have so many inside jokes, and the same twisted sense of humor. I still kiss their foreheads, and sometimes we snuggle on the sofa watching funny YouTube videos when they come over, and drink hot tea. There were many years I could not IMAGINE these simple things would ever be so.
And really, if we hadn’t gone through the “14” era as mother and daughter, I don’t know that our relationships would be as close as it is now. I don’t know that we would BE in The Good Place now, and that would be a shame. I would do it all over again to be at this place with them.
(I suppose it’s like having been soldiers together in the same trench. War was hell, but now there is a common bond that most folks cannot possibly understand. Yeah, raising teen daughters is a lot like that.)
My darling, strong-willed daughters and I talk almost every day. We don’t discuss politics, and sometimes avoid even talking about religion, as we disagree. We’ve learned to accept one another – a sign of maturity for both of us. I raised them to be passionate people, I just always expected them to be passionate about the same things I’m passionate about. It doesn’t work that way, trust me.
Guess why they have different ideas and opinions? Because they are not an extension of me, of course.
Make no mistake, they are 100% their own person. And they absolutely ROCK at being uniquely who they are.
I love that.