Poetry

I Hope You Know

I hope

By: Jana Greene

I hope you know it wasn’t you,
When all of it is said and through,
When damage from the floods recede,
I hope that you can still believe.

I hope you know I really tried
To reconcile the pain inside
And find a way to overcome
Before my pieces came un-done.

I was walking wounded then,
I didn’t have the tools to mend….
I tried to stick close to your side.
I failed, but Jesus knows I tried.

My instinct is to protect you, love.
I lost the strength to rise above
So I did the only thing I knew,
To protect my spirit, too.
And in time, I withdrew.

I hope you know it wasn’t you.

Afraid to open doors to ghosts
And raise the specters I fear most,
I faded off into the clear.
(I can only survive from over here.)

I’m still un-done in places, you see,
Where life has gotten the best of me,
But I love you all the same.
I hope you bear no fault or shame.

You mean the world to me still now.
I don’t know when or where or how
To make things better, so I pray
God smile upon your life today.

God show mercy on this soul
Whom I love and lost in whole,
When the pieces threaten to unbind,
Give peace to this anguished mind.

When memories keep on pushing through…
I hope you know it wasn’t you.

 

3 thoughts on “I Hope You Know

  1. Hi Jana — I don’t know you but I fell in love with your words when you wrote about Philip Seymour Hoffman. In fact, we read them at a recovery arts festival in Houston last month. Thank you for them!

    I love this poem, especially these words:

    You mean the world to me still now.
    I don’t know when or where or how
    To make things better, so I pray
    God smile upon your life today.

    God show mercy on this soul
    Whom I love and lost in whole,
    When the pieces threaten to unbind,
    Give peace to this anguished mind.

    I have a 20 year old addict son who has had problems with drugs since he was 13. Like you, I am a person in recovery (30 years!) so it’s doubly hard to watch my son struggle and not accept his addiction. He had good sobriety for two years while at a sober high school but has also struggled SO MUCH with his addiction — mostly struggling to manage it, not struggling to quit it. He’s been in four treatment centers, arrested three times, and most recently (two days ago) was hit in the face while high and unconscious in a downtown restaurant instead of sleeping peacefully at his aunt’s house on the other side of town (we won’t let him live with us anymore). Yesterday at the emergency room he told me his life was “better than it’s ever been” – this while his face was swollen and bloody; this while he has no driver’s license, phone, college degree, permanent place to live, money; this while he tells me he’s a drug addict but doesn’t have any desire to get off ALL drugs, just the ones that really mess him up.

    At least he and I prayed together yesterday. And he told me he tries to pray every morning and every night. He told me we raised him well and he still has a moral compass. But three days ago, he stole pills from his aunt and stole a library book. Who knows what else he’s done? He’s waiting a court case for breaking into cars! That is NOT having a moral compass! Of course, the drugs take all that away.

    My husband and I have done all we can for him and for ourselves. We go to Alanon and we keep our boundaries. Our younger son has gone to a workshop for families with addiction. We love our older son and are kind to him but we also keep our distance and keep his crazy out of our house. It’s still in our lives because we see it and hear about it but at least it’s not under our roof anymore.

    This is probably too long and I’m not looking for answers or compliments. But I am grateful to know I am not alone. I can read the pain in your words and connect. I appreciate your sharing them! I work with sober teens and I try to focus on sobriety (mine and others’) as much as possible. I even have an art project related to all that — http://www.igniteyourownlife.com. Maybe some day I can include you in it by taking a photo of you!

    Take care and God Bless us all,

    Sarah

    Like

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