By: Jana Greene
Yesterday was Mother’s Day, and because it was Mother’s Day, I cried a lot. I cried because it is my first totally empty nest Mother’s Day. I cried because my own relationship with my mother is fractured into a bazillion pieces. I cried because someone I love didn’t acknowledge me at all. I did have a few tear-free segments of the day, but menopause was around to keep the good times rolling.
I may or may not have fed my feelings heaping spoonfuls of Haagen Dazs Chocolate Chocolate-Chip Ice Cream.
I’m still kind of mopey, honestly. But I’m getting a grip today. I must get a grip today.
You see, I love my daughters. Oh my God, how I love my daughters. But they took different paths than I’d expected.
I think that every mother has a certain set of dreams and assumptions for her child. Those assumptions are that your child will grow up to be successful and kind and happy, and stop wiping boogers on the wall. Happily, this is usually the case.
I assumed mine would grow up and get scholarships to universities because they are super smart, they would naturally stay away from all drugs and alcohol (from, you know, learning from MY mistakes, like THAT ever worked,) graduate college and get jobs they are passionate about. That they would be in straight, monogamous relationships – not living together before marriage – then get married to Godly men, and have a couple of kids that they devote their entire lives to, just like mom. (But that was MY own dream, and I couldn’t even do it right!)
Then there are is The Big Granddaddy of All Dreams – that they will follow God – really know Him on a personal, intimate level. That they will pray regularly, and allow Him to guide their lives.
The reality is that kids are not appliances – there are no warranties. They are on a crazy merry-g0-round. You can try to hop on if you dare, but it won’t slow down for you and in the end, there is a lot of nausea involved. It’s best just to stay out of the way. There is no control.
There is, however, a loving God we can trust them to.
Perhaps your child grew up and stopped wiping boogers on the wall (remember when that seemed like such a BIG DEAL? Sigh) but instead ran away from home and you don’t know where she is.
Or is gay / transgendered.
Or is a drug addict.
Or is in prison.
Or drinks to much.
Or is mean to people who don’t think the way she does.
Or has turned her back on everything you taught her.
Or hates you.
Or hates God.
…Any deviation from the loving plans you made for that child when she was first born and they lay her on your belly. (Remember how EASY it was to TRUST GOD with that child when they were brand new? Piece of cake!) New babies don’t stay new, though. They grow up and do wonderful, glorious, horrible, confused, amazing, and confounding things. Things for which YOU HAVE ZERO CONTROL.
Yet, in the midst of whatever your child engages in that breaks your heart, you still – always – love that child. If YOU love her so much, can you imagine how much ABBA loves your child? He isn’t surprised at your kid’s lifestyle choices, and He isn’t limited by our ways of imagining our children ‘fixed.’
There is no grace deficit for your child that you have to worry will run out. God is merciful and FULL of grace! Because they are not the droids we were looking for – happy little predictable robots – does not mean God is not working out HIS PURPOSE IN OUR KIDS, even as they experience stuff.
I still pray every day that my wild and loving and confounding children will make good choices. I pray that The Big Granddaddy of All Dreams that I harbor in my heart for them comes to fruition. I will pray that until my dying breath.
I want to trust the Lord with my daughters JUST AS MUCH as when they lay on my belly as little newborns, squinting up at their mama. I want to trust Him that easily with them still, and I’m asking Him to help me do it.
I lay my children down at the altar and TRUST YOU with their lives. Ultimately I know that my children must know YOU intimately. Lord, help me get out of the way.
And all God’s children said, Amen.
7 thoughts on “Trusting Adult Kids to God’s Care (Even when it really freaks you out)”
Oh my, I so needed to hear this today. You try to push them and lead them into what you think is best and then they blame you when they are miserable and drink too much. Being parents is hard!! Like you said, when there is a history of alcoholism and depression leading to early death you would think they’d see this and learn. I am praying that I can lay my Jacob down and let God be God in his life. Thanks again for sharing.
Reblogged this on surrender884.
You are most welcome. I needed to write it every bit as much as you needed to read it. It’s SO DIFFICULT to put into practice. God bless you today, my friend – and Jacob, too ❤
Another amazing article, Jana!
I was hooked on your first paragraph. That so describes so many people I know, and has often described my life in the not-so-distant past. The last sentence of the first paragraph made me laugh so much that my husband wondered what was wrong with me.
Your sentence about the ice cream was priceless! You really have a gift.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
Keep trusting God. He knows what He is doing.
P.S. I plan to tell a friend about this article so she can read it, too.
Thanks so much, Gwennon! We must, must, must keep laughing. ‘Tis the ONLY WAY to survive this madness of life. Ice cream also. I hear legends of people who survive life without ice cream, but frankly that scenario is abhorrent to me. God bless you for reading (and for sharing the link 🙂 And God bless you and keep you in all you do! We are all connected in this life 🙂
Been there Jana! My two adult sons are married and combined have given us 5 lovely grandchildren.
My parting words to them both many moons ago, as they left for college.”I raised you to stand on your
own and grow, you will makeyour own mistakes. I will love you always.”
They have made a few mistakes. I am learning to stand still and hurt. Having daughters in law when
I only raised sons is a wonderful, not always a peace filled journey.
Thank you! Five grandbabies? You are so blessed. Standing still and hurt is a super skill to have – I’m still working on it, big-time. Love to you today ❤