
BY: JANA GREENE
I made a new friend today,
Well,
I’ve known her a long time.
Her name is Anger and
we’ve been frienemies as far back
as I can remember.
She introduced herself
when I was just a little girl,
but she scared me with her
suffocating presence in my home
and in my heart.
Don’t be angry…it’s unbecoming!
That’s the message driven
into us little girls
like railroad spikes.
And we accept it
because we are told
it’s for a good cause…
our “betterment,”
but mostly for the betterment
Of others,
as it turns out.
So I substituted Anger with Sadness
For most of my life,
hoping no one would notice,
least of all myself.
As it turns out,
anger and Sadness are
thick as thieves.
Two sides of the same coin, really.
Sadness is safer
because it’s familiar.
“Be a good girl,” I said to Me,
my whole life,
especially when I was only little.
“Who are you to be angry?
Anger is reserved for people
Who can afford to
Lose other people.
Angry people are accustomed
To being generally safe.
No one is going to abandon them,
It’s a luxury –
being comfortable with Anger.
And the tax on that luxury
is cold, steel fear.
Because when I’m angry,
I wonder…
what if this person sees
that pissed off side of me,
and leaves…
just closes up shop.
What if I’m too much.
or not enough?
Don’t be angry….You’re too sensitive!…
And the insult of invalidation stings.
I’m old hat
at recognizing a good gaslighting.
I cut my teeth on the manipulation
Of others.
Don’t be angry…it’s not the Christian way…
Aside from one lousy
and very profound table-turning,
Jesus seemed never to act in anger again.
But I believe
Jesus was TICKED on occasion.
Oy vey! How could he NOT be?
Don’t be angry…it’s unfeminine.
Not ladylike at all.
Be meek.
Be mild.
You have a feminine mystique
image to foster.
To which I say…
Welcome, Anger.
I was taught not to associate with
the likes of you.
I was told you would disappoint people
If we hung out.
If I entertained you at all.
Come sit by me, Anger.
It’s okay to use your outdoor voice.
It’s okay to get mad.
This, I tell myself,
as I grab hold of Anger’s hand,
And be okay
With me.
Wow, this is profound and quite understandable. Suppressed anger, I have discovered for myself, will often manifest as depression/sadness. As a Christian it seems we are only allowed one ‘table-turning’ episode plus one is not meant to allow the sun to go down while we still harbour anger etc.
It’s difficult to know what to do with anger Jana except maybe to forgive what caused the anger in the first place? I really don’t know, so I continue to suppress any anger while I continue to deal with anxiety. The struggle is real but I know that JESUS knows and still loves me!!!! Yay!! He’s the best!
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Thank you, sweet Carol. Yes – I think anxiety is the kicker! Makes it hard to find any calm! Love to you today. ❤️
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